I think that we fail not so much in the commitment of love, but rather in the daily work of love, which is communication. We can share a home with a person and still not be close to that person. But there is one thing that we cannot share with another person and not be close. The honest and open sharing of all feelings has to result in personal closeness and intimacy.
How do we communicate with others? I think there are five levels of communication.
Level Five: The Lowest Level
Level five communication is conversation by clichés. In fact, there is no real communication here at all unless by accident. On this level, we only talk on the surface, such as “How are you?”, “Where have you been?”, or “It’s really good to see you.” In fact, we really mean almost nothing of what we are asking or saying. Usually the other party senses the superficiality and conventionality of our concern and question, and obliges us by simply giving the standard answer: “Just fine, thank you.”
Level Five is the chatter, the non-communication, of the cocktail party, the club meeting, the neighborhood laundromat, and so forth. There is no sharing of the inner person at all. It is well summarized in the lyrics of Paul Simon in Sounds of Silence:
“And in the naked light I saw,
Ten thousand people, maybe more,
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never shared,
No one dared
Disturb the sounds of silence.”
Level Four: Fact Reporting About Others
By only reporting facts about others, we don’t step far outside our own loneliness into real communication because we expose almost nothing of ourselves. We remain content to tell others what so-and-so has said or done. We offer no personal, self-revelatory commentary on these facts, but simply report them. We seek shelter in gossip items, conversation pieces, and little narrations about others. We give nothing of ourselves and invite nothing from others in return.
Level Three: Ideas and Judgments
On this level, revealing some of my own ideas and judgments offers some communication of my own person. It’s a risk to share our own ideas and judgments, and we want to be sure we’ll be accepted with those ideas and thoughts. If you raise your eyebrows, yawn, or look at your watch, I will probably retreat to safer ground. I will try to be what pleases you.
Level Two: Sharing Feelings and Emotions
The feelings that lie under my ideas, judgments, and convictions are uniquely mine. No one experiences my precise sense of frustration, labors under my fears, or feels my passions. To tell you who I really am, it is these feelings which I must share with you.
Level One: Peak Communication
All deep and authentic friendships, and the union of those who are married, must be based on absolute openness and honesty. At times, gut-level communication will be most difficult, but it is at these precise times that it is most necessary. Among close friends or between partners in marriage, there will come from time to time a complete emotional and personal communication.
In our human condition, this can never be a permanent experience. Instead, these are moments when an encounter attains perfect communication. At these times, the two people will feel an almost perfect and mutual empathy. We are like two musical instruments playing exactly the same note, filled with and giving forth precisely the same sound.
By Bob Mueller | Photo by Dulcey Lima
P.S. You may also enjoy this article by Bob Mueller Finding The Fullness Of Life
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