Why Are Some Singles Emotionally Unavailable?
Do you find yourself in relationships where the person you’re dating (or you?) is emotionally unavailable? Do things start out strong and then fizzle out quicker than you’d like? Do you wonder if you could have done something differently, or wonder if it’s YOU that is unavailable? Either way, it hurts and is frustrating when you’re trying to find your person. Healthy relationships involve open communication, vulnerability, and reciprocity — which aren’t necessarily strengths of people who are emotionally unavailable.
Here are a few observations.
1. I’m a huge proponent of online dating but it’s also a great place for emotionally unavailable singles. This is a safe place for them to hang out because there are so many options. They can meet you, have an amazing time and when it’s time to go deeper and learn more, they can push you away and go on to the next one. Now, don’t get discouraged. There ARE also plenty of secure, looking for forever commitment people, too. You just have to get better at weeding them out. (AND the learning is in the dating).
2. I want to teach more people about attachment styles! (I’m offering a class in Feb/March 2023 if you want to learn more). Around 25-50% of people are secure attachment. Secure is the goal. The rest are either avoidant, vacillators, pleasers, victims, or controllers (some books give these different names but the essence of each is the same). These all stem from how our primary caregivers met our emotional needs as a child. We all have an attachment style, and we take this into adult relationships. If an avoiderand an anxious attachment are dating/married, the avoider feels powerful. They’re self-sufficient and don’t identify well with their feelings (or yours), and they don’t want to depend on anyone. The anxious one doesn’t get needs met, appears needy, then blames the other for not changing, and then doesn’t feel ‘good enough’ in the end.
3. Dopamine is strong in our brains. We all love the thrill of the chase. Trying to figure out a new person and what makes them tick is always exciting. Research from Professor Robert Sapolsky said there are two critical elements of dopamine:
a. Release happens in anticipation of an award (not receipt).
b. Uncertainty increases the amount released (50:50 probability provides the most significant spike).
So, you might feel attracted to this new person, but you’re stuck in a dopamine loop.
Here are some signs of the emotionally unavailable.
- They avoid commitment or labels, such ashis is my girlfriend; we are exclusive.
- Conversations stay at a surface level and rarely go deep.
- You do all the relationship work.
- They’re inconsistent with their communication.
- They’re not clear about what they want with you or the relationship.
- They struggle discussing their feelings and will not ask you about your feelings.
- They won’t introduce you to important people in their lives.
- They’ll even sometimes say they’re emotionally unavailable and not ready for anything serious.
Stay tuned for more next month on emotional unavailability and what you can do about it.
By Elizabeth Lewis, Life Coach/Relationship Coach/Author
Learn more about her at Loveandlaughterlifecoaching.com.
Leave a Reply