When you visit someone, you demonstrate love and show that someone is special enough to be seen, even when not at their best.
The nice thing is that you can visit in person or online via Facetime or Zoom, and it can be short. It is perfectly OK for a caregiver to ask people to visit at specific times — caregivers know when their loved one will be feeling most up for a visit. Don’t stay away because it feels awkward. As with everything in life, practice makes it easier.
Some advice if you are the one visiting:
- Plan a specific time: around 30 minutes to one hour (check with the caregiver).
- Bring a small gift, such as a donut or a puzzle.
- Bring an activity, such as photos, a simple balloon to toss, a few saved cat videos on an iPad, or a poem to read.
- Be prepared to tell some stories or ask advice about some things you are working on.
Good Questions:
What makes a good question? It depends on the situation and the person, but asking something specific over something general is a good idea.
What have you been thinking about?
Have you had anything good to eat lately?
Can we play this game?
Would you rather…?
Can you tell me about the time…
Things to Stop Saying:
Caregivers hear these phrases and questions a lot — mostly because we don’t know what else to ask and default to them. Besides being overused, they’re also just not that helpful.
Stop saying, “Things will get better.” Your presence and empathy will be much more helpful than trying to make the person think positively. They are probably already doing their best to be positive and hopeful, and unfortunately, none of us know if things will actually get better.
Stop asking, “Did you have a good week?” What is a ‘good’ week? To someone who is in survival mode, this question is too vague.
Stop asking, “Any plans this weekend?” Probably not — their plans are to care for their person. What could be more helpful would be to make some plans with them.
Stop saying, “Look on the bright side…” Same as ’Things will get better.’ Sometimes, things are just bad, and acknowledging how hard it is, is what makes someone actually feel seen and supported.
Stop saying, “Everything happens for a reason.” This may be true, but the person has likely heard it a million times. And when someone is in a hard situation, it’s hard to find comfort in an abstract, unknown ’reason’ for all their struggle.
The key to the power:
You and your loved ones need support. Caregiving expert and educator Karen Stobbe suggests that you make a list of your support circle. “Start with family,” she says. “Ask them what they are willing to do now and in the future. Even if you don’t need much help initially, secure commitments for later when demands increase.”
Support comes in many forms, she adds. “Some people may not be emotionally or physically able to help with direct care, but they can contribute in other ways: picking up prescriptions, walking your pet, handling handyman tasks, or offering financial support.
“Make a list of everyone — family, neighbors, church members, medical professionals, and community resources. Anticipate future needs and explore options like respite groups, adult day centers, and home health services in advance.”
By Antia Oldham
P.S. Powerful Moments in part two can be found here.
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