Winter is often the time when we think about comfort. When it is cold outside, we just want to stay in, snuggle up, and do those things that make us feel cozy. We say so long to salads and hello to soups. We drape ourselves in soft flannel and fleece. After summer and fall activities, followed by the busyness of the December holidays, it often feels kind of nice to take a bit of a hibernation period.
All of us seek comfort at one time or another, for different reasons and for different lengths of time. While being comfortable feels good, we can sometimes develop habits of seeking comfort in unhealthy ways. How do you know when the comfort you seek is becoming a problem?
We’re Only Human
According to licensed psychologist Dr. Rachel Buehner, seeking comfort is a natural inclination. “Human beings seek comfort from their very first days of existence. We rely on others from the beginning for care, sustenance, and nurturance. Babies need their caregivers to quiet their fears and meet their needs. Over time, we hopefully learn to soothe our own hurts and manage our needs,” she says.
We see self-soothing behaviors in children, such as thumb-sucking or carrying a blanket. As they mature into adults, people learn to soothe themselves in other ways. They may find they enjoy sports because it provides them both a physical energy release and a mental distraction from stress. Some children find they love to read because it allows them to escape, and they continue to enjoy it into adulthood.
In addition to comfort, humans also really like habits and routines. Dr. Buehner says habits give people the energy and focus they need in order to get through the day. A habit allows the brain to kind of go into “autodrive” so that its reserves can be devoted to problem-solving or unexpected events.
Mature Adult Life Can Be Hard
We often face situations that make us feel the need for more comfort in their lives. Norton Healthcare licensed clinical social worker Jonathon White says retirement or the death of a spouse often lead to a sense of loneliness and isolation.
Unhealthy Comforts
Many adults, at one time or another, have used alcohol to provide them some comfort and stress-relief, and who among us hasn’t eaten a big bowl of ice cream after a particularly difficult day? We have all, at one time or another, overindulged in something that we realize later wasn’t a great decision.
Unfortunately, because we humans love habits, it can be all too easy to allow an occasional self-soothing overindulgence become an unhealthy habit that puts our bodies or relationships at risk. Maybe one alcoholic drink after a particularly rough day becomes several alcoholic drinks every day? Maybe we begin to smoke or take prescription medicines in off-label ways? For some adults, the occasional sweet or salty treat becomes a habit that leads to excessive weight gain or high cholesterol. Some adults develop a gambling addiction or overspend to the point that they can no longer manage their finances. Some people stay perpetually busy, while others take the opposite approach and stay perpetually disengaged, neither of which does much to foster healthy relationships. Dr. Buehner says scrolling on one’s phone has become a self-soothing activity that some people can no longer control. “While a quick check in on news apps or social media can be a nice reprieve from the day’s stressors, it’s often difficult to stop scrolling,” she says. No one likes to feel discomfort but if we’re constantly relying on things outside ourselves for comfort, that could be a sign of a problem. “If one needs a drink, spending, or external rewards in order to manage sad or bad moods, that’s a big signal that a person needs to take a look at healthier ways to address stress or difficulties,” Dr. Buehner says.
Healthy Comfort Behaviors
One way of thinking about healthy coping is whether the behavior can help or harm your long-term physical health. While it is true that any behavior done in excess can be harmful, taking a walk with a friend when you need comfort, doing stretches each night, or practicing some mindful breathing aren’t generally going to wreak havoc on your body.
Not everyone will find comfort in the same ways. A nice dinner out with a small group of friends might be the ultimate comfort for one person, while someone else would find that overstimulating and stressful. It is important to think about what gives you a sense of peacefulness. What behavior, when you do it, makes your shoulders unkink?
Sometimes people associate escape with comfort; they think of “getting away from it all.” While getting away can feel really great, eventually we return to our real lives and have to deal with whatever problems we wanted to escape from initially. “Escape can be healthy to a degree because we need to remove ourselves from the environment and regroup. When we avoid it by escaping, we don’t just want to put it on the shelf forever; we need to set a time to come back and address it,” Jonathon says.
While vacations and long weekends can be a source of comfort, learning better ways to self-soothe doesn’t have to be expensive. Something as simple as chewing gum can relieve stress and provide comfort. Taking a hot shower and then listening to quiet music for 10 minutes can bring a sense of relief. In the winter, burning scented candles can boost one’s mood.
The steps we take to comfort ourselves don’t even have to be things we do; they are often ways in which we think. Grounding is a well-established technique that keeps people in the present moment and can lessen anxiety, fear, or sadness. “Self-soothing grounding is when I’m in a relaxed state and saying soothing things to myself, such as ‘I can get through this’ or ‘I’ve dealt with this situation in the past’ or ‘God is going to help me work it out,’” Jonathon says. Making this a regular practice can become a very effective and healthy tool for providing yourself comfort.
Dr. Rachel Buehner’s Tips For Finding Healthy Comfort:
1. Make a list of a few activities that make you feel peaceful, grounded, and at ease.
2. Find moments during your week to practice your identified self-care activities. This gives a sense of agency over one’s life and gets us out of “too busy to take care of myself” mode.
3. Make a ritual out of doing activities that make your day nicer; protect that time and space to experience those moments of peace.
By Carrie Vittitoe
P.S. You may also like Tasty and Healthy Food Swaps.
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