I would ask my mom, “How was your week?”
“Kinda boring,” was her answer.
Before disease, my mom was a productive person with many social and creative pursuits. Her health condition severely reduced her world. She struggles with these increasing limitations.
As I reflect, I think I was asking the wrong question.
We tend to say, “What a bad day!” Or “What a brutal week.” But we cannot afford to give so much time away — time we aren’t living, time we aren’t noticing good.
Most of us know there are sometimes beautiful moments in the midst of bad days or horrible weeks. But how can we capture them? How do we keep the bad, the boring, and the disappointments from overtaking the good?
There might be pain, there might be boredom, there might be no sunshine… but it is important to remember that each day usually offers at least 16 hours alive and awake.
Both caregivers and their loved ones can have many good moments in a day. What can you do to bring some cheer into the day, or how can you help reframe what is happening?
The power of a routine
Routines help bring calmness and variety to a day. Plan times for daily care, therapies, exercises and stretches, and meals. Move to different areas for specific activities to establish routine. Then, add in regular entertainment to bring small moments of expected joy into a day. Ideas include watching a specific show together, taking a nightly drive to see the sunset, setting a time to listen to songs or an audiobook, reading a morning excerpt from a devotional such as Every Moment Holy, or playing a quick hand of Go Fish after lunch.
The power of keeping track
Taking time to hold up the good things in the midst of hard days helps remind us that all is not bad.
When you are really struggling to remember anything good, maybe it is time to start keeping track. List positive and gratitude-inspiring things in a running note or voice memo on your phone. Or, write on a printed calendar, record a more detailed description in a daily journal, or post your list on a giant sticky note on the wall.
When you notice one good thing, you will start to see more. Remember, it can be simple things: a conversation, a laugh, a beautiful bird, a great bite of lemon cake.
The power of dividing the day
If a day is too long to focus on, just focus on the next four hours. Work in those four quarters to find joy and to make progress.
Stop trying to make a whole day just something to get through. Divide the day into four quarters: 8am-noon, noon-4pm, 4-8pm, 8pm-midnight. Segmenting like this can help the day feel more manageable, as you can plan different things during each of those quarters. Go on an outing in the morning, or schedule someone to bring dinner on a certain day, or take your loved one out for an afternoon coffee or a small Dairy Queen blizzard.
The power of visitors
When you visit someone, you demonstrate love and show that someone is special enough to be seen, even when not at their best.
The nice thing is that you can visit in person or online via Facetime or Zoom, and it can be short. It is perfectly OK for a caregiver to ask people to visit at specific times — caregivers know when their loved one will be feeling most up for a visit. Don’t stay away because it feels awkward. As with everything in life, practice makes it easier.
Some advice if you are the one visiting:
- Plan a specific time: around 30 minutes to one hour (check with the caregiver).
- Bring a small gift, such as a donut or a puzzle.
- Bring an activity, such as photos, a simple balloon to toss, a few saved cat videos on an iPad, or a poem to read.
- Be prepared to tell some stories or ask advice about some things you are working on.
The key to the power
You and your loved ones need support. Caregiving expert and educator Karen Stobbe suggests that you make a list of your support circle. “Start with family,” she says. “Ask them what they are willing to do now and in the future. Even if you don’t need much help initially, secure commitments for later when demands increase.”
Support comes in many forms, she adds. “Some people may not be emotionally or physically able to help with direct care, but they can contribute in other ways: picking up prescriptions, walking your pet, handling handyman tasks, or offering financial support.
“Make a list of everyone — family, neighbors, church members, medical professionals, and community resources. Anticipate future needs and explore options like respite groups, adult day centers, and home health services in advance.”
Good Questions:
hat makes a good question? It depends on the situation and the person, but asking something specific over something general is a good idea.
What have you been thinking about?
Have you had anything good to eat lately?
Can we play this game?
Would you rather…?
Can you tell me about the time…
Also…
Stop saying, “Things will get better.”
Stop asking, “Did you have a good week?”
Stop asking, “Any plans this weekend?”
Stop saying, “Look on the bright side…”
Stop saying, “Everything happens for a reason.”
By Anita Oldham
P.S. Here Are More Tips On How To Help Someone Who Is Helping Others
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